


Avatar

by Sub_Rosa



Category: Sword Art Online
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/F, F/M, Internalized Transphobia, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 19:59:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6871303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sub_Rosa/pseuds/Sub_Rosa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Come on, Kirito. Have you ever wanted anything at all?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Avatar

To tell the truth - something you truly don’t do often - your life before SAO, before the death games and virtual worlds, it wasn’t that bad. Even if it took you dozens of close brushes with death to realize your folly.

 

You had it good, didn’t you?

 

You were born in 2008, on October 7th, the prelude to Halloween. Not a very important day in and of itself, but the atmosphere of the surrounding month grew on you with every birthday, taking a shape like autumn chill, broken leaves, and depressingly American costume parties.

 

When you were just emerging from the fog of toddlerdom - or more specifically, when you first formed memories of that time - you sat underneath the window of your living room, feeling the sun kiss gently against your skin while your ‘mother’ watched reruns of poorly-made anime and doggedly compiled her scrapbooks and photo albums. The light  _ schnck _ of scissors against paper like a rasp against your mind.

 

“You see this?” your ‘mother’ asked, holding up a picture of the person you would later learn was actually your uncle. “This is your Daddy. You’re going to look like him, someday.”

 

It wasn’t like she expected you to remember that moment, years down the line. But it wasn’t like you  _ understood _ what she was saying, either. She might as well have been speaking in  _ English _ for all you understood of her words -  _ she _ didn’t look anything like him. Why on earth would you grow up looking like your father, instead of growing up to look like her?

 

Years later, that discrepancy would niggle in your mind - without reason, really, because what boy  _ wouldn’t _ grow up like their father? But still, it itched and drove you - alongside a dozen other things - to hack into databases and census reports like the fucking moron that you are, and discover that your parents were really your aunt and uncle.

 

Ignorance was bliss. Because even though you didn’t care about your blood ties, you still rankled at the lie you had been told.

 

God, you were a  _ real _ selfish asshole back then, weren’t you?

 

Maybe you still kind of are, though, aren’t you?

 

===

 

In retrospect, your fascination with virtual reality and video games was probably inevitable.

 

From the beginning, you were always a little unrealistically skilled with computers, an unbelievable electronic prodigy. But skill doesn’t mean much without the inclination to use it, does it?

 

To cut a little closer to the heart of the issue, maybe you just never connected with anything in the real world. Detached and confused, you always were the type to cloister yourself away in academics instead of flesh-and-blood activities like the swordplay you were once good at. And, well, rather than build a bridge back down to the real world, you dragged yourself higher and higher upwards into abstract fantasy.

 

Like some techno-ascetic. How… hopelessly new age and quaint of you to ever put it like that.

 

Oh well. It’s probably all just petty rationalization, anyways.

 

Because your problems cut deeper than just being some no-life video game addict. You always had to do  _ something _ about your problem. You know.

 

The whole problem of  _ being-alive-as-Kazuto-Kirigaya _ . What  _ could _ you do, but pretend you lived as someone else? It’s not like you would ever be your ideal self, whoever that might have been, but maybe you could shake off the cramped feeling of living as Kazuto.

 

Maybe you could make the envious itch scraping around in the back of your skull go away.

 

===

 

If nothing else, the landscapes of Sword Art Online give you all the time in the world to contemplate your problem.

 

One day, as the clearing of floor 74 nears its completion, you wander through the crystal labyrinth which fills it - like the inside of a geode, an endless mirror-maze onwards to eternity. The reflections in the walls and floors and ceilings serve to take you outwards, like yet another out-of-body experience in this place of ghosts and ether and almost-magic.

 

Nothing but the echoes of your own footsteps greets you, and the smell of decaying and long-slain monsters, a smell like ozone and chlorine. The taste of simulated food on your tongue.

 

As usual, you’re a melodramatic ass. You even wear a black trench coat.

 

And your walk through the labyrinth is a problem-solving session. Brainstorming. Whatever you might want to call it. A plan to try and figure out what your problem is, to figure out what the deal is with you and your life.

 

_ Stupid.  _ You say.  _ Where are you going in your life? What are you even going to do when ( _ if _ ) you get out of SAO? Do you have anything to go back to? Do you have anything for you here in SAO? Do you have anything? _

 

And then you say:  _ Of course I do! Suguha and Mom and Dad miss me a lot, I’m sure! _

 

And then you say:  _ Don’t be stupid. Do you  _ actually _ care about their empathy for you? Or are you just trying to get back out of duty? Because it’s what’s expected from the role you’ve always tried and failed to play, the role of the Good Guy? _

 

And then you say:  _ Shut up _ .

 

And then you don’t say anything.

 

And then you say:  _ That’s a stupid way to think. Shut up, shut up, shut up. _

 

And then you say:  _ Kirito, have you ever  _ really _ wanted anything? Wanted anything just for yourself? _

 

And then you don’t say anything.

 

And then you say:  _ I know what you want, Kirito. You know what you want, Kirito. So what’s the big fucking deal? Can’t you be honest with yourself for once in your miserable life? Or are you actually afraid of your own honesty? Of  _ yourself _? _

 

And then you say:  _ Shut up. _

 

And then you don’t say anything.

 

And then you say:  _ Maybe you’re just so dumb that you can’t care about yourself. So just find someone else to care about instead _ .  _ And then she can care about you in your stead. _

 

And then you say:  _ Yeah. _

 

And then you don’t say anything.

 

And then you say:  _ Maybe I just need to fall in love. _

 

And then you don’t say anything.

 

Even though you should be saying literally anything else.

 

===

 

It works.

 

You fall in love with a girl named Asuna, and in the glorious haze of hormones which suffuses you, you feel like your life is beginning after umpteen years of hollowness. Your old in-game-home, such as it can be called a ‘home,’ feels empty and dead. Her home feels lived-in in a way that you’ve never even imagined before.

 

You find yourself hopelessly, pathetically lost in the glint of starlight against her eyes, the caress of her warm skin against yours. Your relationship isn’t even that good, objectively speaking, because you’re both idiotic teenagers, but you learn. You learn how to love, through a lot of trial and error and mistakes you mutually agree to forget.

 

You learn a lot of things about each other. For example, you learn that Asuna  _ really _ hates when she doesn’t get her sleep.

 

You never talk about your life in the outside world.

 

(After living in SAO for so long, you can’t call the outside world the ‘real world’ anymore.)

 

And then-

 

You have a kid, against all odds. Yui is sweet; you can’t regret taking her in even though you’re hardly ready to actually have a child.

 

And you’re happy.

 

Aren’t you?

 

===

 

And then-

 

In the dead of night, you sit up in your comfortable simulated bed, stretching your limbs out as you take a walk to to the balcony of your home, overlooking nothing in particular.

 

And you say, too softly:  _ What’s wrong with you? _

 

And then you say:  _ I don’t know. _

 

And then you say:  _ What, are you waiting for a happy ending? You got it, you moron. _

 

And then you say:  _ I know. _

 

And then you say:  _ You certainly don’t sound like it. You fucking moron. You have a wife you love more than your own life! And a child you love more than life! And they love you back, don’t they? Don’t they love Kazuto Kirigaya? _

 

And then you say:  _ I don’t know _ .

 

And then you say:  _ What is wrong with you? You want a happy ending? _

 

And then you don’t say anything.

 

And then you say:  _ You want a happy ending? Fuck you. _

 

And then you don’t say anything.

 

And then you wish you had something to say which could give voice to the nameless grief which you probably don’t even have the right to feel.

 

And then-

 

Asuna stumbles out onto the balcony with you, overlooking nothing in particular.

 

“Are you okay, sweetie?” she asks, too kind. Too kind.

 

“Yeah,” you reply. “Just thinking about how much I love you.”

 

She knows you’re lying, but she’s flattered enough to let it slide, taking your hand in hers.

 

“You know you can talk to me, right?” she asks, too kind. Too kind.

 

And then you say:  _ I know. _

 

Maybe your problem is that you may be happy - or you  _ think  _ you’re happy - but you don’t have an ending.

 

So you’re going to get out of SAO, or die trying.

 

===

 

And you do get out of SAO. You, Asuna, Yui. You all escape the boxes placed around you, and you learn three things in the process:

 

One: Sugou is even more of a douchebag then you are.

 

Two: Asuna is even more beautiful in the outside world then she is in virtual reality.

 

Three: You will never, ever get a happy ending. You just get helium and disappointment in your ribcage every time you hear your name from the lips from your family, every time you hear Yui call you “Daddy.”

 

Looking at your wife introduce Yui to the online world beyond SAO, you engage in silent castigation.

 

You say:  _ Finding someone to love didn’t work after all. _

 

And then you say:  _ Shut up. Maybe I’m still hopelessly messed up, but I won’t apologize for making Asuna and Yui happy. _

 

And then you say:  _ Kirito, have you ever  _ really _ wanted anything? Wanted anything just for yourself? _

 

And then you say:

 

“Yui, don’t play with malware!”

 

She laughs, apologetically.

 

You smile, drawn and strained and thin, because all you know is living vicariously.

 

===

 

The revelation comes in the dead of night, like all revelations do. Looking at your obsolete NerveGear, it hits you like a train:

 

It would be so easy, with what you know, to rig the thing to boil your brain in the middle of a gaming session. You could set it up so that no-one would know it was anything other than an accident, anything other than a mechanical failure.

 

An ignominious end, but not a  _ shameful _ one. No one would  _ know _ .

 

But you can’t.

 

You’ve long since uploaded Yui away from your NerveGear, put her somewhere safe where she’ll never get hurt. You have no compunctions. So you smash the NerveGear with the sledgehammer in the back of your garage, before washing your hands of the now-useless, once-lethal plastic and silicon.

 

You don’t get back to sleep that night. And you don’t sleep easy again, not for a long time.

 

===

 

And then-

 

===

 

“What!? What do you mean? Are you  _ quitting _ Alfheim Online!?”

 

“No, of course not!” you say, cutting Asuna’s worst-case fears down at the knee. “I’m just going to convert my character over to a different game for a few days.”

 

She looks confused, hesitant.

 

“Don’t worry,” you say. “I’m just doing a favor for Glasses, okay? I’ll be gone for a few days, playing Gun Gale Online, and then I’ll come back as soon as I can.”

 

You don’t even like first-person-shooters, anyway. She knows that as well as you do; this is going to be the most boring thing you’ve ever done. Doing research on imaginary boogeymen and creepypastas.

 

As if Death Gun could be real.

 

With a half-hearted ‘goodbye’ as if you couldn’t see each them elsewhere, you hug Yui and kiss Asuna and go on your way.

 

===

 

The first thing you learn in GGO is this: a paradigm is a fragile thing.

 

“You know, miss, you have good luck,” they say, leering like they’re trying to peel away cloth and skin and flesh with their gazes until you’re just a ruined skeleton. Or like they’re trying to peel away layers of digital code until they reveal your painfully male form in the outside world.

 

Stupid.

 

“An F1300 avatar is a rare thing,” they continue on, as if they actually expect anything from their interactions with you. “I’ll buy your account, just name your price.”

 

You  _ could _ correct them, tell them the truth:  _ I’m a guy. This is just an M9000 avatar. _

 

But how can you? You’ve only ever played the role of the Good Guy. Only ever related to the world and to yourself as a man. How can you turn down this opportunity to run ever further away from yourself, to find solace in impossible needs and fantasies? How can you turn down this opportunity to throw away an old paradigm and hunt for something new?

 

You just shrug them off. “Not for sale, sorry.”

 

And you say:  _ Isn't this what you want for yourself, Kirito? _

 

And then you say:  _ Shut up. _

 

Maybe it’s placebo. But in the dark and the cold of the alleys of GGO, you feel heat from your head to your toes, swirling through the cracks in your skin and filling you with something (almost) like peace.

 

You’re still a liar, though. You’re still too small for your skin, feeling ancient bile slip into the space between you and your skin, filling you up with self-love and self-loathing in equal measure.

 

You’re a paradox. Inside-out and in-between faces and spaces, between roles and comforting lies.

 

===

 

You never do tell Sinon that you’re a man, not until you barge into her home and stop Kyoji from killing her.

 

She never quite forgives you.

 

Maybe you never quite forgive yourself.

 

===

 

And you can’t bring yourself to convert your character back to Alfheim Online, either.

 

“I don’t get it,” Asuna protests weakly. “I know I can see you in the real world, but Yui can’t do that the same way I can. She  _ misses _ you.”

 

“I know,” you say, equally weak.

 

“Can’t you tell me what this is about?” she asks. “I think it would be better to talk about it.”

 

You almost want to scream, because you can’t believe how naively  _ worried _ for you she is. How she doesn’t imagine all the terrible things you could be doing, like cheating on her, or whatever you could get up to.

 

How she hasn’t guessed on the  _ real _ reason that you’re clinging to GGO. Even after watching you compete in a fucking tournament, tricking people into thinking that you were a girl.

 

“No,” you say. “It wouldn’t be better to talk about it.”

 

Ignorance is bliss.

 

“I’ll just be playing for a few more days,” you say.

 

A few more days stretches out into a few more weeks of spending time alone in your room, cloistered away from Asuna and Yui and Suguha and your family and friends, plugged into an AmuSphere at all the hours you can manage.

 

===

 

And you say:  _ Is this  _ really _ what you want for yourself? _

 

And then you say:  _ I don’t know anymore. I just… I just don’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. _

 

And then you say:  _ Why wouldn’t you want it? _

 

And then you say:  _ Because it’s a lie. No matter how much I might wish I was really a girl, it will never ever be true. Wasting time on wanting an impossible dream is irresponsible. I’m not even a girl in GGO, I’m just some kind of passable trap. _

 

And then you say:  _ But isn’t this what you want for yourself? _

 

And then you say:  _ No, it’s not, because I can’t replace the people I love with my own self-actualization. And even if I could, I wouldn’t. _

 

And then you say:  _ So why don’t you stop? _

 

And then you say:  _ Because I don’t know how  _ not _ to do this anymore. I’ve already forgotten. _

 

And then you don’t say anything.

 

And then you say nothing.

 

===

 

You take off the AmuSphere and you cry.

 

===

 

And then-

 

===

 

“You’re a much better shot than me, you know.”

 

The voice isn’t something that you ever would have expected, not in GGO.

 

“I… Asuna? What are you doing here?”

 

She swallows, looking at you with her newly-created, non-converted avatar GGO. She still looks like the same Asuna that you’ve always known.

 

She looks almost sad. Still, she’s too kind. Too kind.

 

“I think… I think I want to talk to you.”

 

She leans down over you, helping you get up from your position at the shooting range with infinite aplomb.

 

And then she gently leads you away from the guns which have accompanied your escapism for the last month of your life, taking you away to some far-off alley, out of sight and out of mind.

 

She holds your hand like you used to hold hers.

 

And then-

 

She laughs.

 

“Heh… the way they’re looking at us…” she mumbles, as soon as you’re gone from the crowds.

 

You know how they look at you, of course. How could you not?

 

“You look different up close,” she says. “I’ve seen you in the tournament, of course, but it’s different now.”

 

_ Different how? _ You almost want to ask.

 

And then she cuts down to the heart and soul of the issue, tearing gristle and flesh and bone.

 

“Look… Kirito… are, are you…” she trails off, stumbling and halting. “Do you  _ like _ people seeing you as a woman?”

 

How can you not tell the truth?

 

===

 

“I’m sorry,” you eventually say sadly. “I know, I just… I’m sorry.”

 

You pull away from her, letting go of her hand.

 

She grabs your hand again.

 

“Kirito!” She says sharply, then cuts herself off. “Look, I…”

 

What words can possibly sum up this situation?

 

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do…” she whispers. “I don't know how to feel. But I still want to be able to love you.”

 

And then she leans in and kisses you, hesitantly at first, and then like nothing has ever changed. Even if she's faking it.  


 

“You dummy,” she cries. “ _ This _ is what’s been bothering you!?”

 

You cry too.

 

“Yeah,” you say. “But I still want to be  _ your _ dummy.”

 

She half-sobs, half-laughs and then you half-sob half-laugh too.

 

There’s a crowd gathering to watch the spectacle you’re making. So the both of you log out.

 

And then you convert your account back to ALO, because you  _ really _ need to talk to Asuna. And because you  _ really _ fucking miss Yui.

 

After a month without seeing her face, even being called “Daddy” can’t quench the spirit of your reunion.

 

===

 

Time passes.

 

How can it not?

 

In the dark of your room with Asuna in the outside world, under blankets and warm skin, you feel something like peace for the first time you can remember. Like maybe you’re not too small for your own self. For the first time you can remember, the envious itch in your skull doesn’t drown you out.

 

And you say:  _ You want a happy ending? Fuck you. _

 

And then you say nothing.

 

And then you say:  _ You don’t get a happy ending. You don’t get an ending, because nothing ever really ends. You don’t get happiness, because happiness is no guarantee. _

 

And then you don’t say anything.

 

And then you say:  _ But you get to try. You get to really, really try. _

 

And then you say: _ That’s all I can ask for. And maybe it will be enough. _

 

And then there’s nothing left  _ to _ say.

 

It is enough.

 

===

 

Your musing on happy endings is interrupted by a sound you’ve grown to love.

 

“Kirito?”

 

Asuna’s voice is sharp and reprimanding.

 

“Why can’t you stop jostling?” She asks, still too kind to you. You roll your eyes.

 

“Just thinking about how much I love you.”

 

She snorts.

 

“Liar. What’s  _ really _ on your mind?”

 

How can you not tell the truth?

 

“Asuna… I can’t find a sleeping position which doesn’t make my breasts feel weird and droopy.”

 

A brief moment of silence, and then-

 

“Just copy me. And then go the fuck to sleep, Kirito.”

 

Well, with motivation like that, how can you not?

 

“Good night, Asuna.”

 

“I said,  _ sleep _ !”

 

“I love you, Asuna.”

 

She grumbles, only half-angry.

 

“And I’ll tell you that I love you too. In the morning.”

 

===

 

And she does.  



End file.
